“What are we eating?”

“You’re hungry too?”

“I just want to do whatever you’re doing.”

“Want to have sex first? Then I’ll get something to eat and you can do your own thing.”

“Sure. I just want to stay with you.”

“Promise me you’re not falling in love.”

“I don’t give a shit about you.

I’ve been alone so long I just want another person around. And you’re warm and you’re pulsing.”

“Did something happen?”

“You’re the first person I’ve talked to all week.”

“The first time I fell for a guy, I was twelve.

One day we were alone at his place.

I said, okay, I lost. I’ll do whatever you want.”

“What did he ask you to do?”

“Put his index finger in my mouth.”

“Did you?”

“HE LAUGHED. THEN HE SAID THAT WASN'T ENOUGH.

HE WANTED THREE WISHES.

HE GOT A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER, TORE OFF A PIECE, AND TOLD ME TO EAT IT.”

“AND YOU DID?”

“YEP.

I KEPT WAITING FOR THE NEXT WISH TO BE SOMETHING SEXUAL.

THEN HE TOLD ME TO GET ON ALL FOURS AND PULL MY PANTS DOWN A LITTLE.”

“AND?”

“I pulled them down. Too low, on purpose. I waited for a minute. Damn…

Then he kicked me in the ass so hard I hit my head on the leg of the table.

And even then I was still hoping something erotic was about to happen.”

“What did he do?”

“Left. And told everyone at school the next day.”

“That’s the kind of thing I kept waiting to hear in literature class.

They’d tell us about Oscar Wilde or Arthur Rimbaud, and I’d sit there waiting for the teacher to say:

then Wilde’s friend told him to get on his knees and pull his pants down.”

“What did they say instead?”

“They pretended they were both important, boring men.”

“Why do you want to leave so early?

I thought after a week of not talking to anyone, you’d want some company.”

“I did. But I think I’ve had enough.”

“How can you tell?”

“I’m starting to feel ashamed.”

“You haven’t said anything you need to be ashamed of.”

“Want me to? Then I’ll have a reason to get the hell out of here.”

I nodded.

“That guy… my first love… We knew each other when I was twelve. I’m twenty-eight now.”

“So what? Lots of people remember their first love.”

“But how many of them would admit they’ve been secretly following him ever since?”